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How Trying To Be A Good Friend Can Perpetuate Negativity In The Workplace

by Teri Harris Saa

When you lend a sympathetic ear to an angry, frustrated or grumpy colleague, what is your real motive?

There are always plenty of handy reasons for workplace negativity.

It's the faltering economy, we say, or the uncertain political climate, or the profit-at-any-cost mentality of business.

Obviously there are many reasons for workplace negativity, but the one I'd like to address here is the negativity spurred on by workplace friendship.

As a friend, do you sanction the negativity of others, or worse yet perpetuate it?

One morning, the issue became clear to me. The moment I walked into the office I could feel the wall of negativity and I wondered what had caused it. Just then, Cindy, a co-worker appeared and grabbed hold of my arm as if it was her personal life preserver. As soon as I asked her what was wrong, I realized that I had entered a familiar scene.

"Wait until you see your desk!" she hissed. "The new accounts Dan asked us to help out with are a lot more complicated than I thought they'd be. And Mary's taking off next week! Don't we have enough work to do already?"

As always with Cindy, I listened attentively. This day, however, I also paid attention to myself and in so doing I became acutely aware of the part I was playing in this little drama.

For nearly 20 minutes, Cindy ran through her litany of anger and fear while I monitored my thoughts and feelings.

Suddenly I realized something that surprised me: I enjoyed listening to Cindy's gossip, complaints, and criticism. It was like watching a soap opera.

And by listening, I was implicitly giving my approval and contributing to the workplace negativity.

Changing Negative Into Positive

Women are naturally sympathetic. It's our nature to be nurturing, to empathize with a friend, but when we do so unconsciously, we could be enabling them to be negative. And that isn't helpful to them, to us, to our fellow workers, or to our employer.

By becoming conscious of how we communicate with our friends and associates we can change a negative environment into a positive one.

Let's look at a number of ways that we unconsciously add to negativity.

First, we get caught up in someone else's drama.

Another person's drama can be enticing. It can take the focus off of our own worries, give us an adrenaline rush of excitement, or an excuse to take a break from our work (bored working on that report? Walk by Cindy's desk. She's always good for ten minutes of entertaining gossip).

Second, we listen.

Yes, I know it's polite to listen while a friend is sharing. But when we actively listen to someone's constant negativity we implicitly give our approval to it, and offer it a platform from which to grow.

Third, we validate.

With each appropriate nod or affirmative statement we encourage our friends to continue in their negativity. Sometimes we even take them by the hand and walk with them down the path of their own victimhood. Why? Because it gives our ego a boost.

And this is the fourth way that we contribute to negativity. We unconsciously enjoy feeling "better than" our friends (boy, Cindy sure is negative. I'm glad I'm not like that, we say to ourselves).

Improving Workplace Friendships

How we can change this situation?

The first thing we can do is become conscious. Sounds silly, but it's true.

Second, we can start looking for and assisting our friends in seeing new perspectives (if Cindy complains about how busy things are with all the new contracts, we can assure her it means job security).

And finally, we can consciously choose our words and behavior. We can begin taking positive action rather than continuing to wallow in negative reaction.

The bottomline is this: In every office situation, there are those who actively spread negativity through their words and actions and those who passively spread it by listening and agreeing. When I became conscious of my enabling behavior I became a better friend and also a more satisfied and productive employee.

Let's sum up...

We contribute to a negative environment by:

* Getting caught up in the drama.
* Listening.
* Validating.

We can change a negative environment into a positive one by:

* Becoming conscious of our words and actions.
* Finding and promoting a positive perspective.
* Choosing our words and actions.

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